Arguing or bickering that turns into fighting is a frequently-asked-about issue on my Psychology Today blog and on my websites. Because I have written extensively about the challenges of twin relationships, twins who are feeling troubled or estranged call and email me about intensely profound concerns regarding their relationship with their twin.
Here are the most common questions that come up. These questions do not have black-and-white answers but reflect the struggles and confusion twins feel when they cannot get along with one another. The following questions are examples of communication issues that twins experience with one another and with close others who want them to just get along.
Top Questions Regarding Communication
1. Is it my fault that my brother and I are fighting?
Usually, when I get this question, the twin calling me is being pressured or intimidated by their twin: “I wish you were smarter, prettier, kinder, richer.” In my general experience, it is easier for a twin to blame themselves and want to try harder than to blame their twin.
Or, in most twin relationships, one twin is given responsibility for the other twin’s well being. Commonly, twins are over-identified with each other and can actually believe that it is their fault. This idea may be hard for non-twins to understand, but my twin readers will get this idea immediately. You can look at my author’s page on Amazon where the books I have written about these issues are available (Twin Dilemmas, Alone in the Mirror, Not All Twins Are Alike).
2. Why is blame so important to twins?
Actually, it is not a question of fault or right or wrong. Rather, blame is based on unreasonable expectations and judgments about the twin partner in relationship to the self. And sometimes deep competition is also involved. I have observed so much confusion from twins about who is causing their seemingly shared problem.
The real question is: Who is responsible for the problem? This can be very confusing for twins. Because twins are naturally over-identified with each other, the blame game is really hard to defuse without the help of a well-informed professional who has experience with twins or is a twin themselves.
Kind and open-minded professionals will try to understand the unique twin attachment issues. If there is a good connection between the twin patient and the therapist, progress will certainly be made, which will benefit both twins.
3. How can I fix my twin relationship?
I explain to my questioner very carefully and seriously that there is no one magic pill or strategy that will help fix the vulnerabilities and differences that trouble twins. Time, patience, and the ability to compromise are crucial to reduce emotional tension or difficulty with your twin.
Speaking as kindly as you can—not yelling at each other—is also essential. Physical fighting is a childish, impulsive, and absurd way to resolve rage at your twin.
Realizing that twin fighting is normal is useful. Intertwined identity issues, which lead to a deep desire to be alike in spite of the real differences that are always present and observable between twins, are the root of this problem. In other words, twins are ambivalent about being different, because they find comfort in being the same. Twins keep hoping that they will someday share the “right” twin identity. Each twin really needs his or her own identity.
Perhaps the best answer to fixing your twin is not to do it at all. Rather, your best strategy is to accept, respect, and understand your differences.
Also, what comes around goes around. If you are open-minded, you will teach or model acceptance to your twin. In turn, your twin will accept you. And I am not saying this is an easy answer. It is hard to accept your twin if you see them as yourself or a reflection of yourself.
Understanding Twins Essential Reads
How Parental Indifference Affects the Twin Bond
4. My friends and romantic partner cannot understand our continual closeness that turns into anger.
"Close supporters tell me seeing is believing: 'I can’t believe that you fought so much over a French fry.' Still, friends and family keep begging us to just get along.”
But twins can and do not respond to reason when they are fighting with each other. Logic and reality are secondary to wanting to be the winner of the disagreement. For example, Jane says, “You forgot to return my call.” Janet says, “No, it is your fault, I texted you.”
My reaction to ongoing bickering is to affirm the concern of close others that twins can fight and fight and then be best buddies. And while it is very common to see the up-and-down roller coaster ride of twin emotions acted out in private and for the whole world to see, I have no idea how to resolve this problem.
Accepting that you are struggling with your twin is important. Not listening to others who long for you and your sister or brother to just get along is also necessary. Perhaps not seeing or sharing friends will put an end to this real and difficult problem for twins. More simply stated: Hold on to yourself, not your twin.
5. My 6-year-old twins will not stop fighting. What is your best advice?
Separate your twins and explain that they are being separated because they cannot get along. Also, separate them in school and for afterschool activities as much as possible.
Talk to your twins about fighting as best you can. Or give them consequences when they are mean to one another. Look carefully for advice in books and by talking to other parents.
5. Should I see a therapist who is not a twin?
This is a question that comes up a lot and a hard one to answer. I have had a lot of therapy. I have never been in therapy with a therapist who is a twin. I am OK being a twin in a non-twin world because of my research on twins.
Picking up twin dynamics is much easier for a twin than a non-twin, so it is worthwhile to try and find someone who has had experiences personally and professionally with a twin.
6. My relatives want us to get along for the sake of our extended family. My brother and I cannot seem to be civilized when we are together at a family party. What can we do?
First of all, realize that this is normal for most twins and their families. Fighting in public is based on competition and jealousy. More often than not, struggles about who caused what problem at the luncheon or family dinner are based on unresolved past anger, which can be nearly impossible to resolve. Try to make a pact with your twin to avoid confrontation, which embarrasses everyone. Or decide not to go to the family event.
